"A Key"

I got up this morning thinking....another day without your Dad. It does really suck, I guess I could be more polite and use gentler terms...but I chose to be "transparent" (that's a new word our agency is using while it is laying off 10 of my co-workers! Not all will be gone but at least 5 will; they want to be transparent in how they are dealing with the layoffs; but if they were really transparent they would say how badly the governor and legislators in WA screwed up our economy by over spending on "their" special projects that tanked! So now all state employees are taking cuts left and right; but I must tell you that at least 3 legislators volunteered to take the pay cut with us, we have at least 100 legislators! And yes I am very grateful to still have a job and benefits while so many other people don't, just needed to vent!)

You all would probably wouldn't even hear that side of what is happening in my work life if your dad were here. I miss him so! Coming home in the evenings is tough! Sliding that key in the door every night is one of the hardest things I have to do. I have to unlock that door every day! Lock it when I leave; check the back door make sure that all is locked. There is no safe place for me anymore! I am alone in this realm! I know that my Heavenly Father takes care of me; I know He does. I am truly blessed with the Spirit of the Holy Ghost to bring me peace and comfort. I do have a testimony. I know my children love me too, I have friends that care about me. I am actually one of the most blessed person I know because I am loved by many. It still does not take away the pain when I slide that key in the door and Keary is not there!

I don't know why but this is a hard month. I get busy with work, family, my calling and let us not forget Duke. I move forward and make plans and I am content and then it hits!

My Testimony is strong! I have no doubt where your dad is because I know he is where he is happy and actually "alive" serving others; unencumbered by his physical body, what joy he must be feeling! I know I need to continue living righteously to return to him! I really envy his freedom! To go beyond this stage in our progression!

Like everything else I do...I am anxious to more forward in my progression and actually don't know how to press forward. I know I need to take one step at a time and this is just another stage of embracing the stage of mourning and grief!

So I am writing this and thinking ...I bet my kids think I am loony! I want all to know I am not! I just miss your dad! Pain in the you know what, he was but his was my love! That is it! I miss the love of my spiritual soul mate! I miss his acceptance in my aging, the familiar, the togetherness, the tender touch and hugs! How I miss draping my arms around him, that smirky smile and those blue eyes! Those blue eyes got me every time! When he would get mad they would get cloudy; light cotton blue when he was sad; sparkling; twinkling when he was funny or making a pun! That is my memory about him.

A few days before he passed he came up to me while I was watching a show on my computer and he wheels up in his wheel chair; Duke at his side; he stops and looks at me and he is saying something to me and I miss it but I didn't want to make him sad that I didn't hear him and he smiles that smirky smile at me, his eyes are twinkling blue, his hands are folded on his belly, he chuckles and wheels him self into his room. I remember the warmth his smile lit in my heart and the comfort it brought me. Watching him wheel around the corner saying "Come on Duke" I remember smiling and thinking he is such a character he must be talking about something he was listening too. I look back at it and know those moments maybe every day events in our lives and at times we just take them for granted; little do we know that maybe the greatest moments that day!

That is what I miss and I have no key to open that door that will bring him back to those moments in time!