Grief Has No Closure (Fortunately)

A GREAT ARTICLE 

We live in a culture that avoids emotional discomfort. In fact, our society makes it easy to look for distractions and diversions from all things painful. If we can drink, eat, shop, play or Facebook grief away, we will.

But here's the truth -- losing a loved one is excruciatingly painful. And it doesn't just hurt for a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years. The impact of a major loss is lifelong. Emotional "closure" is a cultural myth.

Why? Because no matter how many years go by -- 10, 20, 30 -- you will be changed irrevocably. You may think of your dear one almost daily and you will have days out of the blue that knock the wind right out of you. Certainly, the pain softens and eases over time. However, normal grief will always have moments of reoccurring sharpness, pain as raw as the very first day.

But, consider this. If I suggested that I could wave a magic wand and make all of your enduring pain disappear instantly -- with only one catch, that you would never have known your dear one... ever, they never would have been born -- would you take that bargain?

No, you wouldn't. And you wouldn't because that relationship, that love, touched and enriched your life immeasurably. Your life without their physical presence is painful but your life having never known them at all is unthinkable. Their love was, and continues to be, a great gift.

Living with loss has no closure on pain but, thankfully, it also has no closure on love. Transcending loss is the process of learning to live with love and loss side by side in a way that brings greater meaning and purpose into our lives. Develop a practice of reflecting on the following three points and you will find that pain and love will become easier lifelong companions.

Loss is lifelong -- Loss is our most universal experience. We carry the remnants of loss with us every day. Let yourself grieve and feel your pain, riding the waves of feeling. While other people may tell you to "get over it," understand that "normal" grief never quite goes away. While it changes over time, its impact endures. Gentle acceptance of this fact allows you to begin to integrate loss into your life.

Love is eternal -- You are still in a relationship with your dear one. This love is an integral part of who you are. Let yourself talk about your loved one, reminisce, look at photographs, and stay connected to this person who made such an enduring impact on you. Consider lighting candles in their honor on special days and/or giving gifts in their honor. They will always be a part of your life.

You are changed -- Don't expect to return to your "old self." You are living into a new self. This self has new attitudes toward life, toward death, toward spirituality and toward your own life's meaning and purpose. Other people may have trouble with your changes, but let them know that change is a natural part of living. Be open to new aspects of yourself coming alive. As you let yourself be changed, you will find that growth is possible.

Cultivating a more open position toward your grief will enable you to live with it more peacefully. Remember that after a death, love and loss go hand-in-hand. Closure on one would mean closure on the other. Fortunately, love is a benevolent force in our world that we simply cannot live without.

For more by Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW, click here.

A Granddaughter's Christmas Letter

Dear Grandma Diana,

There are hard years and easy years,

Years full of pain

Years full of love and years full of shame

Years that are radiant with joy

And years that leave their name tattooed on your

shoulder.

There comes a time when some must let go. 

For you, to the warm

For us, to the snow

Some have said the world will end 

That the Lord, Jesus Christ, will come again

Some may burn a birthday card with a promise to the 

Lord

And some rich kid will get a new Ford!

It doesn't matter in the end when you get a bad gift and

we all pretend

To be surprised but still tears swell in our eyes

For the fact that they still remembered so we can't deny

It's Christmas time for family to gather

For love notes to be sent and presents to wrap

To write a hand witten letter to your father

I know that he's gone now, the one that you loved

The one that we cherished and has been sent high above

Don't doubt it I know

By our tree star's glow

That when you hear "Diana!" He'll sneeze and it'll snow

Our gifts may mean nothing a song or a show

But when you feel the true spirit you'll surely know

That God and his son are with you

Out in the snow

We remembered some things you said here and there

And got you some presents to enjoy and to share

We love you so much 

Words can't describe, when you come visit

The way I feel inside!

Sure it may be the food

And it may be the flu

But NEVER forget that 

I LOVE YOU!!!

Merry Christmas!

Love Toni

"A Key"

I got up this morning thinking....another day without your Dad. It does really suck, I guess I could be more polite and use gentler terms...but I chose to be "transparent" (that's a new word our agency is using while it is laying off 10 of my co-workers! Not all will be gone but at least 5 will; they want to be transparent in how they are dealing with the layoffs; but if they were really transparent they would say how badly the governor and legislators in WA screwed up our economy by over spending on "their" special projects that tanked! So now all state employees are taking cuts left and right; but I must tell you that at least 3 legislators volunteered to take the pay cut with us, we have at least 100 legislators! And yes I am very grateful to still have a job and benefits while so many other people don't, just needed to vent!)

You all would probably wouldn't even hear that side of what is happening in my work life if your dad were here. I miss him so! Coming home in the evenings is tough! Sliding that key in the door every night is one of the hardest things I have to do. I have to unlock that door every day! Lock it when I leave; check the back door make sure that all is locked. There is no safe place for me anymore! I am alone in this realm! I know that my Heavenly Father takes care of me; I know He does. I am truly blessed with the Spirit of the Holy Ghost to bring me peace and comfort. I do have a testimony. I know my children love me too, I have friends that care about me. I am actually one of the most blessed person I know because I am loved by many. It still does not take away the pain when I slide that key in the door and Keary is not there!

I don't know why but this is a hard month. I get busy with work, family, my calling and let us not forget Duke. I move forward and make plans and I am content and then it hits!

My Testimony is strong! I have no doubt where your dad is because I know he is where he is happy and actually "alive" serving others; unencumbered by his physical body, what joy he must be feeling! I know I need to continue living righteously to return to him! I really envy his freedom! To go beyond this stage in our progression!

Like everything else I do...I am anxious to more forward in my progression and actually don't know how to press forward. I know I need to take one step at a time and this is just another stage of embracing the stage of mourning and grief!

So I am writing this and thinking ...I bet my kids think I am loony! I want all to know I am not! I just miss your dad! Pain in the you know what, he was but his was my love! That is it! I miss the love of my spiritual soul mate! I miss his acceptance in my aging, the familiar, the togetherness, the tender touch and hugs! How I miss draping my arms around him, that smirky smile and those blue eyes! Those blue eyes got me every time! When he would get mad they would get cloudy; light cotton blue when he was sad; sparkling; twinkling when he was funny or making a pun! That is my memory about him.

A few days before he passed he came up to me while I was watching a show on my computer and he wheels up in his wheel chair; Duke at his side; he stops and looks at me and he is saying something to me and I miss it but I didn't want to make him sad that I didn't hear him and he smiles that smirky smile at me, his eyes are twinkling blue, his hands are folded on his belly, he chuckles and wheels him self into his room. I remember the warmth his smile lit in my heart and the comfort it brought me. Watching him wheel around the corner saying "Come on Duke" I remember smiling and thinking he is such a character he must be talking about something he was listening too. I look back at it and know those moments maybe every day events in our lives and at times we just take them for granted; little do we know that maybe the greatest moments that day!

That is what I miss and I have no key to open that door that will bring him back to those moments in time!

{Something about your Dad}

Did you guys know that your Dad like Ralph Waldo Emerson? He used to read his works when he was in college. I found a book with Emerson's reflections and some things your dad underlined.

On Nature and the Natural Man... he under lined the following:

"Nature is a setting that fits equally well in comic or a mourning piece."

"I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulated through me; I am part or parcel of God."

"We are always coming up with the emphatic facts of history in our private experience and verifying them here. All history becomes subjective; in other words there is properly no histroy, only biography."

"Every mind must know the whole lesson for itself--must go over the whole ground. What it does not see, what it does not live, it will know... The better for him"

"In dreams we are true poets; we create the persons of the drama; we give them appropriate figures, faces, costume; they are perfect in their organs, attitude, manners: moreover they speak after their own characters, not ours--they speak to us, and we listen with surprise to what they say."

On Character and Self Reliance... he underlined the following:

"I do not see how any man can afford, for the sake of his nerves and his nap, to spare any action in which he can partake."

I just thought you'd all like to see a glimpse of how his mind worked! :)

{Life with your Dad}

Had a bad day yesterday…it started ok, I had no plans other then cooking and hanging up my clothes. Your dad asked me to get Duke dog food and a collar and he wanted me to fix him some egg salad and meatloaf. I took Duke and went shopping….decided I needed to wash the car so I went to pick up my free car wash card I get at KIA monthly… I drove into the dealership; I was not thinking at all and I went to park …I scraped the left side of my car big time on a large concrete pole. I was so angry at myself! It took me some screaming in the car for least a minute to calm down.

I don’t think I want to wash my car…the white paint from the pole won’t come out….Thank goodness I lowered the deductible to $250.

Filled the car up with gas and got the largest chocolate candy bar I could get; ate it and I felt better. Had the car checked out by your dad and Calvin….they both said “Dang”

I went to bed early but could not sleep and at about 11pm I went to the couch as it is cooler in the front room with the AC. After awhile I heard your dad in the front room messing around with Duke and opening doors. He let Duke out in the back yard. I turned around and went back to sleep. A while later I hear the front door open, and I thought Keary must be taking Duke out again.

I woke up with a start, it’s 4:30 am, where is Keary I didn’t hear him come back in. I look in his room …No Keary, the cell phone is on his table; and the electric wheel chair is sitting right next to the bed...Manual wheel chair is gone…My mind is blank!

I grab my wallet and car keys and get in the car…I am in panic mode! I get to the Apt entrance. I look left….Maybe he took Duke to the empty field. I see nothing…no traffic…no nothing except mist. I look right and about a Block and a half in the right lane is your dad in his wheel chair being pulled by Duke. Going the opposite direction of home!

I drive up to him and ask him what he is doing… “I don’t know where I am”

"Why do you have the manual wheel chair"

“I’m getting exercise so I can sleep and exercising will keep me alive longer”

I am in the middle of the street…I put Duke and your dad in the car. I put the wheel chair in the back of the car.

“What time is it?”
“4:30”
“Boy, I left at one, I fell of the chair I guess it took me a long time to get up”
“Where did you fall?”
“At the School”
“Dang, Keary”

I bring them home; I get his electric wheel chair. I help your dad get in bed and take his meds I tell him “never do that again” …He replies “But then you won’t be aggravated! I see the twinkle in his eyes … I laugh “I love you Keary”

I go to bed and I pray. My last thought as I go to sleep; “I am going back on anti-depressants!”

{News About Your Dad!}

I feel compelled to let you know the state of your father’s health.

Things have been stable for a while but it is almost a year since your Dad has signed his DNR. As you all know he does have a nurse come in weekly to check his heart, blood pressure, weight gain, blood sugars, any discomfort or abnormalities.

We also hired a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) Calvin to help daily. He comes in about noon and makes sure your dad eats and takes his med. He also keeps the house clean and makes sure your father’s needs are met ie: clean bedroom, change of sheet, bathroom cleaned etc. Because Keary’s eyesight is getting weaker I fix his syringes once a week for his daily insulin intake. He now has a pre-measured insulin syringes for his overage. And of course he has Duke as a companion.

We had for a while some home teachers that came by often, but since Calvin comes in we don’t see much of them anymore. He also had sacrament come in on Sundays but that again has fallen thru the cracks. I did address it with one of the counselors about 2 Sundays ago and someone showed up; but not this last week. His home teacher used to take him to the Temple once a month but it has been a while since that has happened and I am not sure if it is because your dad cancels or what.

So now for the updates:
Within the last 3 months your dad has lost about 25lbs, he has sporadic heart attacks, and of course some eyesight loss. A couple of Sundays ago your dad had a heart attack he felt and I wanted to take him to the Hospital and he refused. The next Tuesday I addressed this with his nurse. The nurse stated that the palliative care your father is receiving is to make him comfortable and pain free and live a reasonable comfortable life. There will be no intervention or aggressive health care unless your dad and I decide that is what he wants. (We discussed this and he doesn’t)

He has also developed a thyroid problem that makes him sleep a lot because he is always fatigued; he is on medication for that. Tuesday the nurse gave him a prescription for Ritalin to boost his energy. He went in yesterday for blood tests to detrmine the levels of his thyroid and check his heart enzymes. Today he went in to see his Dr.

As per the conversation I had with your Dad the following occurred:

1. His heart is slowly being damaged and the only alternative is to have a heart by-pass but he would not survive the surgery due to the fact that his body would not survive the anesthesia, his heart would not improve by much.

2. The blood tests also indicated that his liver enzymes are not normal and have not been since 2007 but now they are going to do a sonogram to determine the extent of the damage to his liver. The Dr told your Dad that the normal thing for him would be to be hospitalized for a battery of tests to minimize the damage to the liver; Dad told her he was not going to the hospital. The Dr agreed and she scheduled the sonogram as an out-patient for Aug 12.

3. He is receiving many types of medication to cover many his conditions; however the liver condition cannot be medicated because this medication would make his low blood pressure even lower putting more stress on the heart.

So… as per my conversation with your dad he believes not being hospitalized and having all these procedures will prolong his life. He states he has prayed about it and feels it is the right thing for him to do. He does have a DNR in place and I will do as he asks.

I just wanted to update ya’ll with what is happening. I know that you girls read these blogs but am not sure of your brothers, we don’t seem to hear from them much. So please pass this on to Alex and Andrew I am sure they would want to know this also.

Love you all!

*56 Blog*

That's how many blogs I read!!! It was great reading all about Spring breaks, Easter, Fishing, Wiggly teeth, Pretty dresses, Baby pictures. Because there were so many I did not comment on them so I just wanted to let you know I did read them all and was very entertained and excited to see what ya'll were up to.

Ya'll are the BEST. I am so very proud of our family and all the efforts that are made to keep all included in what we do.

Unfortunately I am the worse. But I do enjoy keeping up with what y'all are doing. As for me I am in work mode. This supervisor thing is very time consuming and very emotionally vested. It is an experience. I really enjoy making changes and streamlining processes, which helps the people I supervise. They have waited for yrs to have someone make a difference. So it can be very rewarding. I must say the paperwork and data keeping really is not my cup of tea!!! (to put it in polite words.)

I did go to Utah first week in May and I had a great time with each family there. I did come home with a bruised knee, some one's camera, a mermaid video, definitely broke and a very blessed heart to be around family. I miss ya'll!